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Aaqila

23, They/them
Aaqila: Well, something that I learnt about myself is that I'm — at least at this stage in my life — pretty unable to have casual sex or sex with strangers. And even if I'm not in love with the person, I do need to have some sort of, like, standing connection with them that makes us accountable to each other. In terms of like, yeah, obviously there are consequences to like hurting people generally but like, there's more stakes in a more involved friendship or connection or something, which is just a boundary that I need, in order to feel like I'm less likely to be hurt again. Definitely, as well, I've realized that aftercare is really important to me, no matter the kind of sex that I'm having. Because whether it's vanilla or kinky, or somewhere along that spectrum, it's just such an intensely vulnerable experience. And I know that it is to some degree for everybody. But it's not something that I can do without consequence. It’s like a matter of weighing up consequence and pleasure, you know — consequences being things like post-sex dysphoria, and triggered old memories, or pain, like physical pain. So, it's really important to me that, like, that connection exists, or I'm sleeping with someone who feels responsible to me, in the same way that I would feel responsible to anyone else I'm sleeping with, in that I would want them to feel nourished and safe even after having sex. Like, it almost feels just as important to me. And that's an ongoing journey of figuring out what works for me and what's pleasurable, and I'm trying to learn to be more open about that stuff. Which I think I am, to an extent. And I try to communicate it as much as possible. But also, it's quite an anxious experience for me. So I'm trying to get better at feeling less anxious about it, I guess. And just being able to communicate with people my needs. My needs being like needing aftercare or if there's like, a level of extended intimacy where we're sleeping with each other more than a handful of times or having more intense sex that’s more kink-oriented or incorporates more impact play or things like that. That’s something that I've done in the past and just gotten mixed reactions, but I think [is] a pretty good litmus test for who I want to be sleeping with.



Aaqila at Enmore Park.















Aaqila and I met through working as installers together.

Aaqila

23, They/them
Aaqila at Enmore Park.


Aaqila: Well, something that I learnt about myself is that I'm — at least at this stage in my life — pretty unable to have casual sex or sex with strangers. And even if I'm not in love with the person, I do need to have some sort of, like, standing connection with them that makes us accountable to each other. In terms of like, yeah, obviously there are consequences to like hurting people generally but like, there's more stakes in a more involved friendship or connection or something, which is just a boundary that I need, in order to feel like I'm less likely to be hurt again. Definitely, as well, I've realized that aftercare is really important to me, no matter the kind of sex that I'm having. Because whether it's vanilla or kinky, or somewhere along that spectrum, it's just such an intensely vulnerable experience. And I know that it is to some degree for everybody. But it's not something that I can do without consequence. It’s like a matter of weighing up consequence and pleasure, you know — consequences being things like post-sex dysphoria, and triggered old memories, or pain, like physical pain.


Aaqila and I met through working as installers.


A: So, it's really important to me that, like, that connection exists, or I'm sleeping with someone who feels responsible to me, in the same way that I would feel responsible to anyone else I'm sleeping with, in that I would want them to feel nourished and safe even after having sex. Like, it almost feels just as important to me. And that's an ongoing journey of figuring out what works for me and what's pleasurable, and I'm trying to learn to be more open about that stuff. Which I think I am, to an extent. And I try to communicate it as much as possible. But also, it's quite an anxious experience for me. So I'm trying to get better at feeling less anxious about it, I guess. And just being able to communicate with people my needs. My needs being like needing aftercare or if there's like, a level of extended intimacy where we're sleeping with each other more than a handful of times or having more intense sex that’s more kink-oriented or incorporates more impact play or things like that. That’s something that I've done in the past and just gotten mixed reactions, but I think [is] a pretty good litmus test for who I want to be sleeping with.